Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

I recently came across this list that’s causing quite a stir around the Internet. According to its original source, a teacher discovered it discarded in her 3rd grade classroom in Washington, D.C.

This isn’t the complete list (see below). In fact, it goes all the way up to 90, though it’s missing a vital fourth page.

Now, you can pretty much imagine the reactions to this thing: everything from “concern” for the “condition of our youth,” to self-identification as one of the 90 bitches.

I’m sure I can think of an omission here and there, but it’s pretty comprehensive—even with the missing page. I challenge you to find a bitch that doesn’t fit into one of these categories.

I can tell you right now, I know at least these four:

#25 Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair. [sic]

#26 Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you.

#37 Same wearing clothes each day bitches [sic]

#85 Uncreative bitches

Types of Bitches (The Complete List)

1) Dirty dumb ass bitches
2) Aint got no ass bitches
3) Dusty trick bitches
4) Fishy bitches
5) Don’t know how to fight bitches
6) Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches
7) Ugly looking bitch that think they all that
8. Can’t keep a man bitch
9) Track wearing bitches
10) Bitches that be trying to steal your man
11) Hoochie looking bitches
12) Ain’t got no damn sense bitches
13) Stupid bitches that act dumb
14) Bitches who can only get a dirty boy
15) Want to be jocking bitches
16) Bitches who think their man love them but get pregnant and be left alone
17) Bitches who think they better than me
18) Instigating bitches
19) Talking behind your back bitches
20) Loud mouth bitches
21) Pissy bitches
22) Stingy bitches
23) Funky looking bitches
24) Short hair bitches
25) Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair
26) Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you
27) Staring in your face bitches
28) Big eyed looking bitches
29) Crazy bitches
30) Nappy tender headed bitches
31) Booty shorts wearing bitches
32) Coast-signing bitches
33) Dick riding bitches
34) Whipped bitches
35) Buck tooth bitches
36) Cheesy teeth bitches
37) Same wearing clothes each day bitches
38) Ghetto bitches
39) Hair dyeing bitches
40) Wearing shoes that be talking bitches
41) Bitches who think they hard
42) Bitches that think they get money
43) Bitches that go to a dirty school
44) (page missing)
45) (page missing)
46) (page missing)
47) (page missing)
48) (page missing)
49) (page missing)
50) (page missing)
51) (page missing)
52) (page missing)
53) (page missing)
54) (page missing)
55) (page missing)
56) (page missing)
57) (page missing)
58) (page missing)
59) Gay bitches
60) Stanky fishy coochie smelling bitches
61) Tomboy bitches
62) Stain on your pants bitches
63) Dry scalp dandruff bitches
64) Dirty hair bitches
65) Stealing bitches
66) Stinky feet bitches
67) Big gap bitches
68) Protecting their store bitches
69) Pajamas outside bitches
70) Ragly braid bitches
71) Stanky butt bitches
72) Greedy bitches
73) Slimy grimy bitches
74) Psycho bitches
75) Drug dealing bitches
76) Geekin’ bitches
77) Suntanning bitches
78) Goofy looking bitches
79) Triflin’ bitches
80) Skanky bitches
81) Mugging bitches
82) Sloppy bitches
83) Dirty fingernails bitches
84) Dirty sock wearing bitches
85) Uncreative bitches
86) White bitches that think black people poor
87) Conceited bitches
88) Tall bitches
89) Short bitches
90) Jealous bitches

If you’ve spent any amount of time in a classroom with young Asian people, you’re familiar with their penchant for spinning pens (interchangeably known as “pen flipping” or “pen twirling”). And, sooner or later, you’ve wondered what gives.

So, why do they love it so much and why are they so good at it? Even though other races engage in the practice, nobody comes close to matching Asian dedication and skill.

The Reasons Behind Asian Pen Spinning

1. Natural Extension of Chopstick Manipulation Skills

There’s no question that using thin, stick-like objects to pick up food, beginning in early childhood, predisposes Asian people to skillful manipulation of similar objects (e.g., pens and pencils). If you can use two sticks to grab a grain of rice, you can easily spin a single, shorter stick in intricate patterns.

2. Non-Threatening Form of Expression and Entertainment

Video games and pen spinning are things you can do at home without stressing out your smothering parents, and incurring their notorious wrath in the process. It’s not surprising Asians excel at both. But pen spinning has the added advantages of silence and portability (i.e., you can do it in class).

3. Asian Weapons Heritage

As with the Chopstick Hypothesis, traditional Asian weapons (e.g., nunchaku) also encourage every form of twirling and twisting of stick-objects.

4. Slender, Adroit Asian Fingers

The same physical feature that helps Asians become great piano players–and skilled detail-workers in Chinese factories–makes them master pen spinners in-the-making.

5. Spend a Lot of Time with Writing Utensils in Their Hands

Smothering parents are at the root of a lot of Asian behavior. Thanks again to their constant pressure–this time to get into one of the Historically Asian Colleges¹–kids spend a lot of time doing math homework, or at least pretending to. What else are you going to do with that idle time and mind?

¹ West of the Mississippi: one of the University of California campuses, especially Berkeley and Los Angeles (UCLA).

Even if I don’t always approve, I generally understand the things Los Angeles Mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa does. This time around, it’s neither. This fool is trippin’.

In a recent statement, he’s excoriated some teachers at a South Los Angeles elementary school for encouraging some of their students to celebrate O.J. Simpson, Dennis Rodman, and RuPaul at a Black History Month event.

“I am shocked and outraged by the actions of these teachers at Wadsworth Elementary School,” Villaraigosa said in a statement. “These teachers undermined the school’s well-intentioned celebration, and they did so at the expense of elementary school students. Their actions were not only cynical, but did a terrible disservice to the students.

Apparently while “other students were carrying pictures of President Obama and the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.,” these kids were displaying pictures of their heroes.

The outrage seems pretty universal. The superintendent of schools, “community leaders,” and a bunch of organizations have spoken out against the teachers’ behavior. They’ve been suspended without pay and, from the looks of it, they’re going to get canned. At least that’s how it always seems to go with these kinds of things.

But this is straight-up bullshit.

Among the many problems with the way we educate kids these days is that we reward them for giving us the obvious-ass choice for things. We feed them the conventional answers and expect them to parrot the shit back to us. If anyone should disrupt that process, we come down on them like Australians on a bucket of chicken. Kids go to the retarded class and teachers get fired.

NBA Rebound, Defense, and Hustle King, Dennis "the Worm" Rodman

The way I see it, Barack Obama and MLK don’t need any more recognition. One of them already has a national holiday that kids get off of school. The other guy has a Nobel-fucking-Prize and is on TV every day.

I wouldn’t want my various kids learning the over-simplified, sterilized shit it took me years to purge out of my system: Christopher Columbus “discovered” America, “Indians” and Pilgrims got along just fine, and Abraham Lincoln “freed” the slaves.

These kids are learning a valuable lesson: life is messy and complicated. O.J. Simpson, Dennis “the Worm” Rodman, and RuPaul may not be a conventional heroes, but they’re real.

A couple of weeks ago, Ethnic Avenue reported on the sudden unshriveling of Obama’s kick-assery, after an extended, disappointing slumber. Since it was only a single week of ballsy, it was unclear at the time whether the whole thing was just a fluke, or the beginning of something big.

Well, the answer to that question has arrived in the form of a major oh-snap moment against his soundly defeated adversary, Old-Man McCain, at the Heathcare Reform Summit last week. In fact, Obama came down so swiftly and coldly, that I actually felt kind of sorry for the old bastard—despite his infinite dickiness and stupidity.

S-N-A-P. The first thing that came to mind after witnessing that massive dose of shut-the-fuck-up is this now-infamous Sean Connery moment (note Barbra Walters’s change of heart in the final seconds).

Whether Obama is having the Sean Connery Realization–that he’s “tried everything else” and that his beatdown is now “merited”–is unclear. But whatever it is, it’s certainly no fluke.

Barack, the Ethnic Smackdown is strong in you.

I’m always amused when someone is shocked or outraged by people just doing the things they’re predisposed to doing. Look, don’t get passive-aggressively mad at the intimidating black people sitting in front of you for talking through the whole movie. You should know better. Besides, if you’d actually stop and listen to them, you’d realize their commentary is enhancing whatever sorry movie you’re watching anyway.

A lot of us are convinced that we pick and choose everything we do. When, in reality, we can’t help but do some shit. Bring a White girl to a really good concert and try to get her to not “woo” and you’ll see what I mean.

Such is the case with IKEA furniture and Europeans.

For most of us, IKEA is a cheap-ass place to pick up planks of particle board, that we eventually assemble into disposable furniture by deciphering the hieroglyphics in the crappy instruction manual. Some of the stuff is so hilariously modern and abstract, that you buy it because it just looks interesting in the apartment you share with your 16 other roommates. But eventually, you get old–or rich–enough to leave the shit out on the sidewalk and get some real, adult furniture.

Europeans don’t see it that way. For them, an oversized red plastic bubble is a chair. So IKEA, for them, is a just another furniture store.

I learned this lesson a few years ago from these FOB Czech people I knew. They bragged, non-stop for like three weeks, about their “fancy new furniture” and how I had to come over and see it. When I finally did, their house looked like the IKEA showroom. Thinking they were playing some sort of strange Eastern European prank on me, I asked, with as-straight-a-face as I could muster: “is this from…IKEA?” They laughed in my face, and told me it was actually from some frou-frou European furniture store. But, guess what: It. Was. The. Same. Exact. Shit.

If that doesn’t convince you, read this story about a wealthy Icelandic couple that’s being sued for installing a “cheap IKEA kitchen” into a fancy apartment they rented (to the tune of 300,000 smackers) in a “swank hotel in New York.”

The lawsuit filed in Manhattan Wednesday alleges that Jon Asgeir Johannesson and his wife installed an “ugly” kitchen from the low-cost household furnishings store into the 16th-floor apartment at the Gramercy Park Hotel.

…the lawsuit claims the kitchen was unsuitable for such a luxurious home.

Whoever’s suing should have known better.

The source of the overwhelming majority of stereotypes about White girls at-large, the Straight-Up White Girl is probably the most abundant variety of White girl. Because their fashion and language can vary by region and conditions, they’re often misclassified into one of the group’s subsidiary, niche member classes: the “Valley girl,” sorority chicks, mall girls, girl-sport athletes (e.g., volleyball), cheerleaders, and others who make up the overall species.

But not every White girl is a Straight-Up White Girl. The group excludes some notable cousins like Sporty-Crunchy White Girl, Gangsta White Girl, and Indie-Hipster White Girl.

Appearance & Dead-Giveaways

• Immaculate, braces-straight teeth to match straight hair
• Unmistakable “White-girl accent” and inflection; heavy use of space-fillers like “she-was-like”
• Displays the absolutely latest fashions and trends (e.g., Ugg boots with mini skirt)
• Seemingly unaware of, or indifferent to, dressing exactly like one another
• Legs and feet that never seem to get cold (flips flops, shorts–even in winter—at the faintest sign of decent weather)
• Fond of loud “woo-ing” to publicly express their approval of things

Lifestyle & Tendencies

• Survive on a steady diet of entrée-sized salads, fancy coffee drinks, and heavy cell phone use
• Drive around in Volkswagen Jettas or similar, “cute” girl-cars
• In warm weather regions, will often ride around in beach-cruiser bicycles (in flip-flops and shorts, no less)
• “Love to dance,” but unwittingly perpetuate the white-girls-can’t-dance stereotype when they do
• Carelessly unaware of realities beyond their immediate, privileged existence
• Painfully unaware of the ephemeral nature of beauty, their tendency to age poorly, and the expiration date for their time-limited lifestyle
• Become embittered and bitchy in their 30s, when their favorable position in society–directly associated with their youth and perceived desirability– starts to erode into mean and cruel cougar-hood

If you haven’t already heard, Theology expert and ancient historian, Elton John, has declared that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man:

I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.

-Elton John

Now, it’s not a new thing to try to claim Jesus as a member of your own group. Over the years, Jesus has been a black dude, a severely out-of-place European with a blond beard, and even a right-wing Laissez-Faire capitalist. But of all of things that Jesus has been turned into, this is probably the most likely.

Think about it:

• Hung around with only men (so-called “Apostles”) and slutty fag-hags (Mary Magdalene)
• Liked things neat and tidy, as evidenced by his kicking out the money changers from the temple—with a whip, no less
• Drama queen that always talked about “being betrayed” and “fighting temptation”
• Always talking about “his body,” which he eventually “serves” up at the Last Supper
• Well-groomed and stylish for the time: neat beard, long hair, sandals, and two-colored toga
• Obviously kept up his physique, even crash dieting for forty days and forty nights

Today’s post comes courtesy of Felix Mengano, our newest staff contributor. Until recently, Felix was just the old, ambiguously Latino guy with a heavy accent who serviced the printers around the office. Everything changed when I semi-accidentally overheard several of his cell phone conversations with his wife. The way he handled his personal business left little doubt that this guy boasts some of the most impressive old-school credentials, ethnic philosophies, and gender-relations wisdom around. When I invited him to contribute, he insisted that we call him Don Felix and that we let him do this topic first. He even refused to provide a more recent photograph of himself, claiming he “still looks exactly like this.”

Felix Mengano’s views aren’t necessarily those of Ethnic Avenue, its affiliates, sponsors, or detractors.

Catcalling with Class

By: Felix Omar Mengano Jimenez, Sr. – Unpaid Latino Contributor

One of the problems with these kids nowadays is that they don’t know how to treat a lady like I was taught to treat a lady—the correct way.

When it comes to letting a woman know they appreciate how she’s carrying herself that day, or acknowledge that she succeeded in getting their attention with her outfit, they start in with the pussy this or culo that. That demeans everyone. And it’s disgusting.

I’m going to tell you all what my father told me, and what I tell my seven sons and eleven daughters: a lady appreciates a quality catcall. It makes her day. Don’t embarrass yourself, or the recipient, by doing it the wrong way. You only get one chance.

Don Felix’s Winning Catcall Formula

1. Distance Matters.

Make sure you’re at the correct distance. A catcall isn’t a catcall if you’re up close. I’m not a lawyer, but my court-appointed one tells me it “borders on harassment,” whatever that means. The law aside, you have to be across the street, or up a couple of stories of construction scaffolding for a catcall to be effective. Of course, if you’re too far away that’s a problem too. You end up screaming and scaring the woman, or you don’t get heard at all. Stay in the “habitable zone.”

2. Pick a technique.

No matter what people tell you, there are really only three ways to catcall: whistling, “smooching,” and talking. All of those take practice. Not everyone can whistle loud enough, or quick enough, to get their point across. Same goes with the smooch sound. It’s got to be a clear kissing sound that’s loud enough to cut through the loudest street noise or—nowadays—a pair of turned-up iPod ear buds. Your spoken lines have to be concise and delivered at the right cadence.

3. Work on your lines.

Even if you pick one of the other techniques, you’re still going to need some quality lines here and there. Be original and stay within yourself. Start with an attention-getter. I use “sabrosura,” but I invented that, so come up with your own. Then follow it up with a hyperbolous statement specific to the girl. Wrap up the whole present with a nice call-to-action.

Formula

Attention-Getter + Hyperbole + Call-to-Action = Effective Catcall

Example

Sabrosura! + I could just grind you up and put you in my coffee + Come sit next to me = SOLID GOLD

4. Avoid cutesy sound effects, gestures, and other gimmicks.

You really should refrain from using other sounds and gestures apart from whistling and smooching. Stick with the classical, time-tested techniques. Others just make you come off as ridiculous. That includes howling, grabbing your nuts, and honking your horn. Drive-by catcalls are for cowards.

5. Be prepared to fight.

Sooner or later, you’re going to catcall a girl and not notice that her husband, brother, or not-yet-decrepit father is standing right there. That can spell trouble for you. Try to defuse the situation by explaining you didn’t mean any disrespect. But if that doesn’t de-escalate things, get ready to defend your god-given rights.

If you’re like me, you tune into the Winter Olympics to watch sports you wouldn’t otherwise know existed and then only think about every four years, when they’re suddenly all over your beautiful hi-def TV. “Curling” and “Skeleton” mean entirely different things in Los Angeles.

One such sport for me is Speed Skating. I never watch it, but when it’s on, I’m totally glued to it. And, all of a sudden—if you’re lucky enough to be watching it with me–I’m an “expert” that’s been “following it for years.”

This weekend, I was watching the Short Track Speed Skating 1500m finals, when I made an observation that I hadn’t really made before. A majority of the skaters were Asian. Alone, three of the six finalists were Korean. Even the Americans were half Asian. With Apolo Ohno (half-Japanese) and J.R. Celski (half-Filipino) representing the U.S. in the race, five out of six people on the track were at least part-Asian. That’s 83 percent–and seemed noteworthy.

Another Asian Sweep.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Asians seem to thrive on ice. Kristi Yamaguchi. Michelle Kwan. The list goes on.

So what gives? For obvious reasons, none of the broadcasters are going to point it out or, worse, try to explain it–even though it was begging for an explanation, and that explanation is quite simple.

At its core, ice skating is (very) skilled foot dragging. You’re basically shuffling your feet, but quickly and elaborately–and on skates. Sure, you lift your feet here and there, but not that much. And, for reasons we’ve explored before, Asians are absolute naturals at this.

No one gets more practice, in their daily life, at dragging their feet than Asian people. It’s not surprising they’ve perfected it to world-champion levels.

The Backstory

A few years ago, I had this millionaire, born-again Christian, asshole boss that was so consistently racist (like actually so), that he distorted my uncanny ability to detect racism for several years. He looked like a torn-up version of Lou Dobbs—if you can believe that.

He would say things out of the blue like, “You know, I hired you despite your accent.” Now, I’ll tell you that in subsequent polling, about 80 percent of people say I have no discernable accent. Another, 15 percent or so tell me I have a medley of American city accents. The other 5 percent is this guy. So, when he told me he hired me despite my accent, I figured that was code for, “I hired you despite your being brown,” a semi-obvious fact I appreciated.

It’s nice when people can overlook your flaws.

Over time, I developed a type of Stockholm Syndrome for the guy and our unhealthy relationship blossomed. We’d go to fancy, tax-deducted lunches together to plot out ways to make him even more money. He’d pay every time, and I came to know what a cheap-lunch-whore, entertaining a middle-aged Republican in exchange for the most expensive thing on the menu, must feel like.

Somewhere along the way, the guy got deluded into thinking he was a genius. And to prove his brilliance, he would bait me into conversations about politics. He’d repeat everything he’d heard on Fox News the night before, and I–like the idiot I was at the time–would try disprove him with reason, punctuated with arcane political theory and historical evidence. Definitely not recommended.

In a conversation about racial injustice in our criminal justice system, I pointed out to him that the jails were disproportionately filled with ethnic people.

He came back with, “Well, you’re the ones committing all the crimes.”

He should have been offensive, but he seemed pretty harmless at the time. Besides, the lunches were good.

Why I Told You All of That

Now fast forward to yesterday. I’m reading the news and I run into this story, where a twelve-year-old girl from New York got arrested, and taken away in handcuffs, for doodling on her desk.

Twelve-year-old Alexa Gonzalez scribbled “Lex was here 2/1/10″ on her desk Monday at Junior High School 190 in Queens. She also wrote “I love my friends Abby and Faith.”

The girl says the doodles could have been erased.

I immediately remembered my old boss and thought, you know what, that asshole was right. Lock the little bitch up. We are the ones committing all the crimes.