Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Archive for the ‘Ambiguously Ethnic’ Category

One of my favorite horror-movie characters of all-time is Freddy Krueger. Now, I’m not a huge fan of horror movies in general–since shit’s scary enough already–but as horror characters go, Freddy’s the one, hands down. And I don’t think I’m alone. Actually, I think he’s quite popular among ethnic people. Even the Fresh Prince made a song about him once upon a time.

I think there’s a couple of reasons for this.

First of all, we like that Freddy Krueger is ambiguously ethnic—or at least blue collar. How do we know that? Because he was always chasing white girls–and look at his name. I know what you’re going to say: “c’mon dude, Krueger is obviously a European surname.” But doesn’t that first name make you feel like he might be half-something? I’ve never known anyone named “Freddy” who wasn’t actually an Alfredo or Francisco on his birth certificate. And, you know Freddy didn’t come from means. Before he got burned by the neighborhood parents, he was the poor kid on the block. Krueger is the underdog-getting-his-sweet-revenge in all of us.

Then there’s the way that Freddy Krueger does his thing. As Tommy Davidson hilariously pointed out back in the day, Freddy knew how to make grisly over-kills funny, at least for himself. He got into it. He had a good time.

But like all good things, there’s always someone there ready to fuck it up. And, like with many things these days, the way to do that is to try to squeeze a few more shekels out of it by remaking it. Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) opens tonight and already the reviews are in. The first one I read gave it a half-star out of four. Half.

Freddy Krueger used to be such a fun guy.

Sure, he wore a ratty sweater, had a complexion like a blister-covered relief map, repeatedly invaded people’s dreams, then shoved his deadly finger knives into their torsos. But he had such a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Unfortunately, in the remake…good ol’ Fred loses any sense of playful shock he once possessed and turns into a generic figure meticulously manufactured to simultaneously gross and freak us out. It doesn’t work.

That sucks. The one thing that made Freddy different was his gusto, his style. Next thing you know, they’re going to make him not ethnic anymore—and wealthy.

Very few urban (and suburban) characters are more obvious than the White Chocolate. Even though there are several major varieties and intensities—determined mostly by geography—you rarely mistake a White Chocolate for anything else.

As the consummate example of racial incongruence, things started off pretty rough for the White Chocolate Guy when he first emerged in the late 1980s. Early trailblazers, like rapper Vanilla Ice, were the subject of endless ridicule and scorn in those primitive dark ages. These days, White Chocolates live out in the open with the confidence—often a little too much—that they enjoy the same legitimacy as their non-synthetic chocolate counterparts.

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Hip-hop attire, from subtle to way-over-the-top: big-ass t-shirt; baseball cap with un-creased bill and un-removed tags; loosened laces on sneakers; oversized, sagging pants; ostentatious jewelry
• Urban lexicon, with simulated accent (e.g., “I ain’t even trying to hear that.”)
• Ethnic strut and physical gestures (holding crotch when walking; overly emotive hands when explaining things; talking more out of one side of his mouth than the other; driving with a sagging lean and a single, outstretched arm centered on the steering wheel)
• “Hard,” tough-guy look and posture
• Engages in racially legitimizing behaviors like: playing basketball, blasting hip-hop music, and “fixing up” his car
• Two-sided “bid-ness” card: shitty job during the day, side-hustle at night (Credit: Reader MAC)

Say it ain't Sosa.

Let’s face it: most people aren’t that observant anymore. They don’t see nuance. And, they’re too self-absorbed or distracted by gimmicks to notice anything about you that doesn’t directly affect them (by threatening or benefitting them). That’s why people never notice when you get a haircut or wear a new shirt. It’s the same reason television stations can feed you ever-degenerating garbage and still keep robust audiences. But no matter what you look like, one thing is for sure: people are going to notice if you bleach your skin. And, as soon as they notice, they’re going to compare you to Michael Jackson. If you started wearing a red jacket with zippers all over it and a rhinestone glove on one hand, you’d get the same result.

Something we can all learn from the White Chocolates among us is that the best way to change your race is to do it from the inside out, not the other way around. White Chocolates “darkened their skin” by wearing wind pants with one of the pant-legs raised up, break-dancing, playing basketball, and performing a variety of other racially incongruent behaviors. In the best cases, it worked like a charm.

Eminem, Crown Prince of the White Chocolates.

So Sammy, next time you want to “lighten your skin,” listen to some Save Farris, start snowboarding, and un-learn how to dance. It takes longer like this, but it’s the honorable way.