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Archive for the ‘Ethnic Advice’ Category

Today’s post comes courtesy of Felix Mengano, our newest staff contributor. Until recently, Felix was just the old, ambiguously Latino guy with a heavy accent who serviced the printers around the office. Everything changed when I semi-accidentally overheard several of his cell phone conversations with his wife. The way he handled his personal business left little doubt that this guy boasts some of the most impressive old-school credentials, ethnic philosophies, and gender-relations wisdom around. When I invited him to contribute, he insisted that we call him Don Felix and that we let him do this topic first. He even refused to provide a more recent photograph of himself, claiming he “still looks exactly like this.”

Felix Mengano’s views aren’t necessarily those of Ethnic Avenue, its affiliates, sponsors, or detractors.

Catcalling with Class

By: Felix Omar Mengano Jimenez, Sr. – Unpaid Latino Contributor

One of the problems with these kids nowadays is that they don’t know how to treat a lady like I was taught to treat a lady—the correct way.

When it comes to letting a woman know they appreciate how she’s carrying herself that day, or acknowledge that she succeeded in getting their attention with her outfit, they start in with the pussy this or culo that. That demeans everyone. And it’s disgusting.

I’m going to tell you all what my father told me, and what I tell my seven sons and eleven daughters: a lady appreciates a quality catcall. It makes her day. Don’t embarrass yourself, or the recipient, by doing it the wrong way. You only get one chance.

Don Felix’s Winning Catcall Formula

1. Distance Matters.

Make sure you’re at the correct distance. A catcall isn’t a catcall if you’re up close. I’m not a lawyer, but my court-appointed one tells me it “borders on harassment,” whatever that means. The law aside, you have to be across the street, or up a couple of stories of construction scaffolding for a catcall to be effective. Of course, if you’re too far away that’s a problem too. You end up screaming and scaring the woman, or you don’t get heard at all. Stay in the “habitable zone.”

2. Pick a technique.

No matter what people tell you, there are really only three ways to catcall: whistling, “smooching,” and talking. All of those take practice. Not everyone can whistle loud enough, or quick enough, to get their point across. Same goes with the smooch sound. It’s got to be a clear kissing sound that’s loud enough to cut through the loudest street noise or—nowadays—a pair of turned-up iPod ear buds. Your spoken lines have to be concise and delivered at the right cadence.

3. Work on your lines.

Even if you pick one of the other techniques, you’re still going to need some quality lines here and there. Be original and stay within yourself. Start with an attention-getter. I use “sabrosura,” but I invented that, so come up with your own. Then follow it up with a hyperbolous statement specific to the girl. Wrap up the whole present with a nice call-to-action.

Formula

Attention-Getter + Hyperbole + Call-to-Action = Effective Catcall

Example

Sabrosura! + I could just grind you up and put you in my coffee + Come sit next to me = SOLID GOLD

4. Avoid cutesy sound effects, gestures, and other gimmicks.

You really should refrain from using other sounds and gestures apart from whistling and smooching. Stick with the classical, time-tested techniques. Others just make you come off as ridiculous. That includes howling, grabbing your nuts, and honking your horn. Drive-by catcalls are for cowards.

5. Be prepared to fight.

Sooner or later, you’re going to catcall a girl and not notice that her husband, brother, or not-yet-decrepit father is standing right there. That can spell trouble for you. Try to defuse the situation by explaining you didn’t mean any disrespect. But if that doesn’t de-escalate things, get ready to defend your god-given rights.

Nothing says shady (or in select contexts, bad-ass) more than using a dollar sign in place of the conventional letter S (or wearing it around your neck).

But, let’s make an important distinction. If you’re a hip-hop arti$t or a pimp named $ilky or a 99-cent $tore, you’re likely to improve your image by using the dollar sign. Chances are it resonates with your “demographic.” But, if you’re a law office or a bank, you’re probably better off sticking to the core 26 letters of the alphabet.

You’d think all of this goes without saying. But, I often run into poor uses of the dollar sign around town.

In the wrong context, the dollar sign does the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to do. (For instance, I’ve since withdrawn all of my money from Ca$h Bank.) But, the way I see it, currency-symbols-as-letters is a risky move if you’re a business of any kind (except maybe a rapper named £e$ter €x, which would be kinda the shit).

My guess is that the few people that are actually swayed to buy something because every S on the billboard was a dollar-sign, aren’t that desirable as customers in the first place. And, the significant percentage of people you turned off with your dollar-sign-replacements probably were.

I once witnessed a scene on a Philadelphia street corner that went something like this:

SEATED MIDDLE-AGED BLACK DUDE

(while looking at a girl over his shoulder and talking to another guy)

That girlfriend of yours, man: She’s. A. Fine. Ass. Woman. Mm. Mm. Mm.

MMMM.

No disrespect.

The crazy part is that I could see the other guy’s rage visibly increase as the black dude carried on like that about his girl and, then, evaporate just as quickly as as soon as he heard the “no disrespect.” It was an incredible sight. And I immediately recognized it for what it was: a powerful incantation for de-balling an angry fist. It was like a thin British girl, in the prime of her fertility, stopping a hoard of horny pirates dead in their tracks by simply saying “parley.” Or like placing a disclaimer at the bottom of your illegal copy of a movie like this:

None taken.

What I didn’t know was whether anyone could use the line, or if it only worked coming out of a middle-aged black dude’s mouth. I also didn’t know if it worked equally as good if you prefaced your potentially offensive statement with it (as in, “no disrespect, but you can’t sing”) or if you had to say it at the end, to clear the air after-the-fact. Worse, there was no way to test it until I got into some hot water—and, by then, it could be too late.

After years of experiments, I’m here to tell you that the line is solid gold—especially with ghetto-ish ladies, hostile ethnic types, and power-tripping authority figures. But it’s all in the delivery.

So use it and abuse it to get yourself out of jams. But if you get a beat down, it’s because you—no disrespect—fucked it up.

I don’t know about everyone else but, to me, one of the most irritating things on the road nowadays are those unnecessarily bright headlights on certain late-model cars. In response to this modern nuisance, our "production team" has put together a crude animation on some ideas for getting your revenge dealing with them.

So, when Barack Obama started racking up a series of nearly-as-good accomplishments (e.g., publishing a book, becoming the first black president in our 233-year history) we took notice. Since he seemed to have everything under control, we stood quietly on the sidelines.

But, Barack, now that you’ve been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, it’s impossible to keep quiet. We can’t have you messing up a good thing. You may have gotten this far on your own, but you’re going to need a little Ethnic Advice to get you through the rest of the way (conquering the world).

1. Lose Your Temper from Time to Time.

Ethnic people (especially men) are volatile and unpredictable. It’s what makes us great lovers and leaders. I know you’ve gotten a lot of mileage from the calm-and-collected thing, but the time has come for a little ethnic temper. Your failure to put down the royal smackdown on Joe Wilson on primetime television was one thing, but to continue to put up with the repeated punking from the right-wing is getting a little embarrassing.

What you should have said: "I couldn't hear you. Come up here and say it to my face."

2. Brag and Exaggerate.

Every ethnic guy loves to brag, however small the accomplishment. Rudy is still talking about hitting those two free throws, in clutch time, back in high school. And, here you are with way-more-recent accomplishments. You need to bring that shit up every chance you get. Show up unexpectedly at these townhall meetings and say, “raise your hand if you’re a constitutional scholar.”

3. Stay True to Your Homies.

Don’t forget all of the good advice we gave you along the way (including this). But, especially don’t forget the coalition of grass-roots Progressives, labor unions, and young people that got you into that nice house. We’re still waiting for our national healthcare, end to corporate welfare, and cash for our clunkers (wait, we got that already, thanks).