Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Archive for the ‘Gays’ Category

Apparently, I picked one helluva week to ignore the news. Some funny shit went down last week.

White Guy Changes His Race the Lazy Way

What did Michael Jackson (and, to a lesser extent, Sammy Sosa) teach us about making absolutely sure no one recognizes you? That’s right: change your race.

Well, that’s exactly what this white guy did, in a string of robberies he committed in southern Ohio. But he did it by wearing a mask designed to look like a black guy. I shit you not.

The craziest part about this story isn’t that he pulled the stunt in the first place. Or, even that it worked several times. The crazy part is that they actually sell a black-dude mask. Admittedly, I haven’t participated in a Halloween-anything in a while, but I had no idea costume technology had reached this level of sophistication.

Wearing shorts gave him away.

This story raises more questions than it answers.

The most logical of those questions is whether they sell all the races. If they do, I could probably use a white guy mask to land myself a nice corporate-executive job and/or an Asian girlfriend.

When “You Throw Like a Girl” is a Compliment

If, a week ago, someone had said to me they had “tickets to go see the Gay Softball World Series,” I would have assumed they were speaking to me in some sort of secret locker-room code. But, now I know better. The event actually exists.

And, what’s more:

Three bisexual men have filed a federal lawsuit against [the] national gay-sports organization [that puts on the event], claiming they were unfairly deemed not gay enough to play for a gay softball team.

Apparently, the opposing team “stopped play” several times during the game on the grounds the other team was breaking the “two heterosexual players maximum” rule. After the game, the bisexual players were brought separately into a room with 25 board members and grilled on their “sexual interests and private life.”

And, at some point one of the (presumably gay) board members allegedly huffed, “this is the Gay World Series, not the Bisexual World Series.”

A lot of things came to mind when I read this story. After extracting the handful of obvious, lame jokes—one question remained.

How did they know they weren’t “fully” gay? I mean, seriously.

British Lady Turns Chinese Overnight

There was a bit of a commotion over this British lady who’s developed a rare condition (none of us have ever heard of) called Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS). Prompted by some sort of brain injury (in her case a really bad migraine), FAS permanently changes the way someone talks–usually into some foreign-sounding accented version.

According to the report, Sarah Colwill developed a “Chinese accent,” going from the Queen’s English to the Queen Engrish seemingly overnight.

The natural question now is: will white guys now be more attracted to her?

That aside, everything about this story sounds suspicious to me. Is there also a Foreign Strut Syndrome or a Foreign 10-Dollar-Minimum-to-Use-Your-Credit-Card Syndrome?

Because I definitely know a few people with those.

If you haven’t already heard, Theology expert and ancient historian, Elton John, has declared that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man:

I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.

-Elton John

Now, it’s not a new thing to try to claim Jesus as a member of your own group. Over the years, Jesus has been a black dude, a severely out-of-place European with a blond beard, and even a right-wing Laissez-Faire capitalist. But of all of things that Jesus has been turned into, this is probably the most likely.

Think about it:

• Hung around with only men (so-called “Apostles”) and slutty fag-hags (Mary Magdalene)
• Liked things neat and tidy, as evidenced by his kicking out the money changers from the temple—with a whip, no less
• Drama queen that always talked about “being betrayed” and “fighting temptation”
• Always talking about “his body,” which he eventually “serves” up at the Last Supper
• Well-groomed and stylish for the time: neat beard, long hair, sandals, and two-colored toga
• Obviously kept up his physique, even crash dieting for forty days and forty nights