Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

I’ve intentionally remained silent on the whole Tiger Woods affair because the fact that he liked white girls named Jamie and Escalades was the most extraordinarily non-surprising news in the universe.

Even as the thing unfolded, and a few things did raise my eyebrow—like the sheer number of mistresses and level of cheapness of the girls—nothing happened that I really didn’t expect. He did the self-flagellation apology tour, more sordid details trickled in (like the text messages), and he signed up for rehab camp–all pretty standard public-infidelity-scandal stuff.

But, finally, some stuff has come out that I didn’t expect:

The women paint Woods as being sexually insatiable as well as extraordinarily cheap…[Mindy] Lawton said he once bought her a Subway chicken-wrap sandwich. [Jamie] Jungers told [Vanity Fair contributing editor Mark] Seal one of the reasons she broke off her affair with Woods was because he refused to help her when she needed financial assistance.

Now, Tiger, that’s disappointing.

All of this, in aggregate, is starting to paint a disturbing picture. You can explain away the cheap-girl thing, by itself, pretty easily—and people have. “Well, if you’re used to having steak all the time, you might crave a Happy Meal here and there,” or, “He went for the low-hanging fruit,” or, “Maybe he just likes that cheap-skank look, recreationally.” Sure, those things are all possible. But the also-patronizing-Subway tells me that Tiger Woods lived two double-lives–not just the one with the wife at home and the harem of cocktail waitresses on the road–but also one of public fanciness and private ghetto-ness.

Get anything on the menu, baby.

Anyone that knows me well knows that I absolutely loathe Subway sandwiches—and with good reason. Subway sandwiches are what I call “condiment sandwiches,” that is, sandwiches that taste mostly like whatever condiments you put on them. The meat, bread, and cheese are really sort of irrelevant, merely conduits for the toppings. Next time you eat at Subway(and I hope that you don’t), order a sandwich with no mayonnaise, no mustard, and no pepperoncinis (a big culprit). That shit will taste like virtually nothing. That applies to nearly all of the cold sandwiches.

The hot sandwiches are a different story, but not any better. What they do is make bad replicas of real hot sandwiches in a microwave. It’s like when you made food out of your Play-Doh as a kid. It may have looked like spaghetti and meatballs, and you could eat it, but it tasted like salty paste (I was told).

You can’t make a real cheesesteak sandwich in a microwave. Period. But that doesn’t stop Subway from trying. That’s like baking a cake in the microwave. You could probably eat it, but it’s going to taste like shit.

I already know what some Subway apologists are going to say: “lately, they’ve incorporated one of those conveyer-belt ovens into their arsenal. The sell toasted sandwiches.” And, while that improves the melting-the-cheese problem, it still doesn’t produce a top-shelf hot sandwich. Heat isn’t the only requirement for a hot sandwich.

Then there’s the whole “fresh-baked bread” gimmick. If you’re ever been around a real bakery, you know that the smell that wafts from Subways’ ovens doesn’t really resemble the smell of real bread baking. Subway baking smells like someone is roasting a beaker of chemicals in the oven. Go and smell and you’ll never think of it the same.

So, when I learned that Tiger Woods takes his mistresses to Subway, I asked myself one key question: does he eat there? If he does, we know what kind of man he is: one that likes taking it low-brow and nasty when no one is looking. All he needs is basic cable, the first woman he sees at the bar, and a five-dollar footlong.

Shame on you Tiger. You’re disgusting.

In Sexist Latino Contributor Don Felix’s second column, he brings you his proposal for dealing with “the problem” of slow-moving, timid female drivers.

Felix Mengano’s views aren’t necessarily those of Ethnic Avenue, its affiliates, sponsors, or detractors.

The Diamond Lane: A Girl’s Best Friend

By: Felix Omar Mengano Jimenez, Sr. – Sexist Latino Contributor

For most of my life, they’ve told me a diamond is a girl’s best friend. But I never understood that. I always thought a girl’s “best friend” was, in fact, several girls—hens that come over to my house, eat my food, and fill my wife’s head about “what a bad husband” I am. I don’t think you should be allowed to have more than one best friend. That’s straight bullshit.

So, I finally figured out that the whole idea that a worthless rock, with an artificially inflated price, is “a girl’s best friend” is just a old marketing gimmick to trick hard-working men like me into spending serious cash on polished turds. If diamonds are so valuable and scarce, why aren’t any of the world currencies pegged to the price of diamonds, instead of gold or silver? Exactly. You can’t fool a thrifty man that knows the value of a dollar.

But I’m not one to let a good cliché go to waste. Maybe a diamond can still be a girl’s best friend somehow.

The answer came to me going when I was driving my son Arturo to his baseball practice. As usual, we were running late, and I was hauling some serious ass in the carpool lane on the freeway. Don’t worry: I drive safely, since I don’t have car insurance.

All of a sudden, I came to virtual standstill behind the slowest-moving mini van I’ve ever seen. After several minutes of this, I got out of the lane—mostly to peak in the car and see which group I needed to insult. My son called “old man,” but I knew better.

A woman. Of course a woman. The very same qualities that make a good woman–prudence and timidity–make for awful drivers. Women don’t deny this. And the statistics prove it: women get into more accidents (mostly minor fender-benders). But men tend to get into fewer accidents, but more of them are fatal. But who cares? That’s manly.

Anyway, as I was pulling out of the lane, I looked down at the writing on the pavement. I saw the universal diamond icon for the carpool lane and got a brilliant idea.

What if women got their own lane? We can still call it the diamond lane, but we’d move it over to the far right, where they could drive as slow as they want.

I know what you’re thinking: “Well, Don Felix, can they still drive in the other lanes too?”

Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. That would defeat the whole purpose of the lane. Women are already used to waiting in long lines for the bathroom, so why not switch it up. Give them more bathrooms, so they don’t have to wait in line there anymore, but then have them wait in line on the freeway. It’s a wash. And, to be fair, men couldn’t drive in the diamond lane either. Unless, that is, they’re you-know-what.

That’s not sexist. After all, a diamond is a girl’s best friend.

I recently came across this list that’s causing quite a stir around the Internet. According to its original source, a teacher discovered it discarded in her 3rd grade classroom in Washington, D.C.

This isn’t the complete list (see below). In fact, it goes all the way up to 90, though it’s missing a vital fourth page.

Now, you can pretty much imagine the reactions to this thing: everything from “concern” for the “condition of our youth,” to self-identification as one of the 90 bitches.

I’m sure I can think of an omission here and there, but it’s pretty comprehensive—even with the missing page. I challenge you to find a bitch that doesn’t fit into one of these categories.

I can tell you right now, I know at least these four:

#25 Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair. [sic]

#26 Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you.

#37 Same wearing clothes each day bitches [sic]

#85 Uncreative bitches

Types of Bitches (The Complete List)

1) Dirty dumb ass bitches
2) Aint got no ass bitches
3) Dusty trick bitches
4) Fishy bitches
5) Don’t know how to fight bitches
6) Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches
7) Ugly looking bitch that think they all that
8. Can’t keep a man bitch
9) Track wearing bitches
10) Bitches that be trying to steal your man
11) Hoochie looking bitches
12) Ain’t got no damn sense bitches
13) Stupid bitches that act dumb
14) Bitches who can only get a dirty boy
15) Want to be jocking bitches
16) Bitches who think their man love them but get pregnant and be left alone
17) Bitches who think they better than me
18) Instigating bitches
19) Talking behind your back bitches
20) Loud mouth bitches
21) Pissy bitches
22) Stingy bitches
23) Funky looking bitches
24) Short hair bitches
25) Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair
26) Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you
27) Staring in your face bitches
28) Big eyed looking bitches
29) Crazy bitches
30) Nappy tender headed bitches
31) Booty shorts wearing bitches
32) Coast-signing bitches
33) Dick riding bitches
34) Whipped bitches
35) Buck tooth bitches
36) Cheesy teeth bitches
37) Same wearing clothes each day bitches
38) Ghetto bitches
39) Hair dyeing bitches
40) Wearing shoes that be talking bitches
41) Bitches who think they hard
42) Bitches that think they get money
43) Bitches that go to a dirty school
44) (page missing)
45) (page missing)
46) (page missing)
47) (page missing)
48) (page missing)
49) (page missing)
50) (page missing)
51) (page missing)
52) (page missing)
53) (page missing)
54) (page missing)
55) (page missing)
56) (page missing)
57) (page missing)
58) (page missing)
59) Gay bitches
60) Stanky fishy coochie smelling bitches
61) Tomboy bitches
62) Stain on your pants bitches
63) Dry scalp dandruff bitches
64) Dirty hair bitches
65) Stealing bitches
66) Stinky feet bitches
67) Big gap bitches
68) Protecting their store bitches
69) Pajamas outside bitches
70) Ragly braid bitches
71) Stanky butt bitches
72) Greedy bitches
73) Slimy grimy bitches
74) Psycho bitches
75) Drug dealing bitches
76) Geekin’ bitches
77) Suntanning bitches
78) Goofy looking bitches
79) Triflin’ bitches
80) Skanky bitches
81) Mugging bitches
82) Sloppy bitches
83) Dirty fingernails bitches
84) Dirty sock wearing bitches
85) Uncreative bitches
86) White bitches that think black people poor
87) Conceited bitches
88) Tall bitches
89) Short bitches
90) Jealous bitches

I’m pretty sure everyone has seen that commercial where a couple of white girls are complaining to an unsuspecting black girl about how much work it is to take their birth control pill everyday.

Unlike most people, who tune out during commercials, I generally pay pretty close attention to them. That’s because some of the most fucked up hilarious things about our society are embedded right in our advertising. I do my best to decode them.

I know what you’re thinking: how can you diagnose anything from just another dumb-ass, misleading pharmaceutical commercial? Because, remarkably, this particular dumb-ass pharmaceutical commercial manages to accurately depict several social ills, in a matter of seconds.

Three Actual Problems Depicted in the NuvaRing Commercial

1. Abundance of Brain-Dead Chicks: In the first few seconds of the commercial, the short-haired, Minnie Driver-looking girl is mindlessly humming along to the television (to the tune of another Nuvaring commercial). After that, she manages to remain puzzled throughout. Regrettably, she’s of the now-abundant type that can, and often does, conduct entire conversations–even in-person ones–in emoticons and cutesy internet abbreviations. It’s no coincidence that’s she’s holding her QWERTY cell phone open the whole time. But, of the three, she’s the most harmless.

2. Manipulative, Bitchy Know-It-Alls: The longer-hair ringleader is the type of girl that you (as a man or woman) want to stay away from at all costs. First of all, she’s stupid enough to buy into cheap commercial gimmicks. But despite this, she still thinks she’s smarter than the rest of the group–as evidenced by her rolling eyes and condescending tone with the black chick. Worst of all, this bitch isn’t content with drinking the Kool-Aid herself.  You have to take a few sips too.

3. Lazy, Instant-Gratification Seekers: You have to hand it to the assholes at the pharmaceutical company for astutely recognizing that people are getting so dumb and lazy that they’d prefer to cram something into their body cavity—and hold it there for several weeks—over taking a tiny pill everyday. All three women are guilty of this, though the black girl is naïve enough to let bitchy-know-it-all seduce her into trying it.

In the end, it’s a good thing they’re all wearing NuvaRings. We don’t want these idiots reproducing.

I’m not a big sci-fi fan, but there’s a famous episode of the original Star Trek series from the 60s called “The Man Trap” that speaks to me. In it, the members of the crew land on a desolate planet and encounter a beautiful woman living there alone. Strangely, she looks different to each of the male characters. To Captain Kirk, the creature’s a young blond girl. To another guy: an older, sophisticated brunette. But in reality, the beautiful woman is nothing more than a “Salt Vampire,” a shape-changing creature that tricks men so it can extract the salt out of their bodies–its principal source of nourishment.

How do I look?

At some point or another, everybody has known a Salt Monster–a girl who, despite not outwardly displaying a single one of the traditional indicators of beauty, still got treated as if she was a hot ticket. Overweight, uninteresting, no charm, bad skin, mangled teeth, unfunny, manly back, grating voice, no ass, no tits, generally stupid, annoying laugh, bitchy attitude, manly haircut. Whatever. It didn’t matter. This girl got the attention of both genders, to the befuddlement of a lot of people like me, who were left to wonder if we were seeing the same thing as everybody else. And, to make things worse, all of that undeserved validation inevitably went to her head.

Recently, I’ve been starting to feel like one of the most important females in my life is a little like this: Josephine, my car.

About a dozen times over the past few weeks, I’ve gone out to my (skillfully) street-parked car to find a note on the windshield that looks like this:

Now, to be fair, Josephine doesn’t really deserve to be called a Salt Monster. For one, she’s a beautiful shade of mid-90s teal. She’s charming, well-built, and aging gracefully. Sure, she has some dings and rust, but that’s not surprising at her age (a teenager). She’s loyal and always comes through when I need her. She doesn’t complain, only whining when I turn her steering wheel a little too hard when her belts are cold.

But, all this attention seems a bit excessive for a lady like her. She’s not a classic. She’s not scarce. And she’s definitely not in exceptional condition. She’s blue-collar and functional.

So what’s with all of the unsolicited offers on my car? As an urban, ethnic guy I’m suspicious of all questions and compliments. Is this some sort of car scam I’ve never heard of, or does Josephine have a little Salt Monster in her?

Whatever the case–and for the record–my car is not for sale. The sign goes up tomorrow.