Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘Alberto Gonzales’

Not to be confused with his richer, whiter cousin—the Standard Corporate Ass-Wipe—the Latino variety is an equally abundant plague in U.S. cities—especially on the West Coast. You might well recognize him by his other name, the Alberto-Gonzales Latin Guy, named after one of the most “successful,” public specimens of the group.

Consummate Latino Corporate Ass-Wipe

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Otherwise regular-looking Hispanic guy, but with tell-tale signs of deep-seeded corporate asshole-ness
• Wears the office uniform, dress shirt and pleated pants, Monday through Friday
• Tucked-in polo shirt, or “golf clothes,” on the weekends
• Speaks clean English, but can’t completely rid himself of pesky Spanish influences, despite his best efforts (peak-za for Pizza, rolling the Ls in Million)
• Bilingual, but speaks poor, awkward Spanish from pretending not to speak it for years
• Deliberately engages in racially incongruent activities, like golf, to seem less ethnic
• Especially dicky to “regular” Latinos and FOBs as way of distinguishing himself from them

Additional Behaviors & Habitat

• Most likely in a corporate setting, since he only thrives in the hierarchical, structured setting of an office
• Practical, functional, status-minded education—a business degree, communications, maybe law school
• Works in safe, accessible fields (e.g., marketing, finance, administrative fields)
• More ambitious ones in minor elected office, local government
• Surprisingly conservative, impressive ability to spit out right-wing or centrist talking points
• Uses nauseating corporate speak, like “no-brainer” and “out-of-the-box” outside of the office