Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘Annoying’

The past few concerts I’ve attended have revealed to me that things I was foolishly chalking up to an unfortunate succession of isolated annoying incidents are, in fact, disturbing trends. Whether these trends apply to all public events or only concerts is still unclear.

1. People trying to record the entire thing so they can post it on their YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, or whatever-the-hell-else.

I’m not sure what these people are thinking, or how they’re able to suspend their arms in the air for 90 minutes (especially when they’re obviously and profoundly out of shape), but a full 25-33 percent of the people were doing exactly that at last concert I attended. Do you think these people ever ask themselves: How good high can my production values be if I’m recording this on my LG Storm 3000 cell phone held erratically over my head?

And...cut. That's a wrap.

2. Puddles

There’s nothing more unnerving than a wet or sticky floor—especially if you have no choice but to marinate in it for hours. This isn’t actually a new problem. But lately, it seems to be getting out of control. Let me give you all a piece of advice, from experience: don’t put your nice-anything under your seat at these things. Unless, that is, you want it smell like a cocktail of cocktails. I don’t know if there’s some unreported epidemic of vertigo, or if beer vendors are experiencing an unusual bout of generosity, but there oughta be law: lids (and straws) for all drinks.

Last I heard, there's store called Lids.

3. Dramatic increase in requests for audience participation.

Dear artist: I didn’t pay you (and a pimp with the street name of “Ticketmaster”) many-many rupees to come and sing myself. I came to listen to you. After all, you’re much better at it. Trust me: if you do a good job tonight, I’ll sing the whole car ride home. Just imagine if you paid good money, let’s just say, to watch me type this blog entry. Then, somewhere in the middle of it, I shout “everybody!”, and hand you the keyboard to start writing. Exactly.

What the audience should say, in unison: "No, really, it’s okay. You sing."

Maybe I copied this idea from somewhere else–I don’t know–but this is the premier, collectors’ edition issue of Ethnic Avenue’s series R.I.P. Creativity: A Slow, Public Death. If you’re a nerd, put it in a cellophane sleeve and find a safe place for it in your mom’s house—you may be able to pocket a nice profit on eBay in a few years.

It’s hardly a secret anymore that creativity, by any objective measure, has gone completely to shit in recent years. If you haven’t taken the time to notice—between watching (the sometimes multiple) remakes of Transformers, the Hulk, King Kong, GI Joe, Knight Rider, Battlestar Gallactica, and countless others—you’re part of the problem. But, there’s so much biting going on these days, that no one single person could possibly catalog it. Even Wyclef Jean, the former emperor of stealing other people’s good ideas, is floating face-down in the sea of cheap imitations.

What do you mean you remember us from the 80s? We just landed.

The latest nail in the creative coffin is the remake of V, a science-fiction mini-series that, from my foggy recollection of the re-runs, was alright at best. Sometimes I wonder if some studio exec woke up Rip-Van-Winkle-style, after 25 years, with an issue of TV Guide from the 80s resting on his chest. Thinking it was some revelation from above; he merely took all of the descriptions to work and started making them again.

That’s the only reasonable explanation.

From: Your Ethnic Friend
To: All White Guys with Faux Hawks
Subject: RE: Your New Haircut

Hey bro,

I hope you know this isn’t an easy e-mail to write. But as your token ethnic friend, I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you this: it’s time to get rid of the faux hawk.

I’ll admit that when they first came out, faux hawks were actually pretty cool. In fact, I thought the concept was nothing short of brilliant. Some genius somehow devised a way to resurrect a kick-ass hairdo from the 80s and adapt it into a tamer, office-friendly version–one that wouldn’t embarrass your girlfriend in front of her parents. It was still edgy, but now it was versatile. You could go straight from work to the hipster bar and not look ridiculous in either place. And, it was easy; all you needed was a quarter-sized portion of hair product and a mirror (and maybe a hair dryer, I’m not sure).

I don’t know the exact history of the do, but I’m pretty sure White guys started it. At least that was my observation. In fact, my buddy Matt—you know, the guy that does the cabbage patch to celebrate everything—was one of first to have one. But regardless of whether or not you guys did it first (and I can be 100-percent comfortable in my manliness when I say this), White guys did it best. That’s not surprising, since I imagine lighter-colored, fine hair is easier to manage and ply into those wild configurations than coarse, ethnic hair like mine.

Then everything changed. Not only did every White guy go out and get a faux hawk, but everyone else did too—in massive numbers. From there, things quickly got out of hand. Nowadays, the faux hawk is the default haircut of choice for douchebags, movie stars, and generic dumb-asses everywhere—regardless of race, age, or the overwhelming abundance of the haircut.

The mighty faux hawk’s been cheapened, my friend. And, worse, it’s not your own, cool-White-guy thing anymore.

So now, if you still have one, you look like an idiot. I know there aren’t that many choices for short and easy (but still manly) haircuts that don’t make you look stupid or dangerous, but there must be something more. I mean, what did you do before?

Look man, I wouldn’t be telling you this if I didn’t care: enough already with the faux hawk.

Sincerely,

Your Ethnic Friend