Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘Catcalls’

Today’s post comes courtesy of Felix Mengano, our newest staff contributor. Until recently, Felix was just the old, ambiguously Latino guy with a heavy accent who serviced the printers around the office. Everything changed when I semi-accidentally overheard several of his cell phone conversations with his wife. The way he handled his personal business left little doubt that this guy boasts some of the most impressive old-school credentials, ethnic philosophies, and gender-relations wisdom around. When I invited him to contribute, he insisted that we call him Don Felix and that we let him do this topic first. He even refused to provide a more recent photograph of himself, claiming he “still looks exactly like this.”

Felix Mengano’s views aren’t necessarily those of Ethnic Avenue, its affiliates, sponsors, or detractors.

Catcalling with Class

By: Felix Omar Mengano Jimenez, Sr. – Unpaid Latino Contributor

One of the problems with these kids nowadays is that they don’t know how to treat a lady like I was taught to treat a lady—the correct way.

When it comes to letting a woman know they appreciate how she’s carrying herself that day, or acknowledge that she succeeded in getting their attention with her outfit, they start in with the pussy this or culo that. That demeans everyone. And it’s disgusting.

I’m going to tell you all what my father told me, and what I tell my seven sons and eleven daughters: a lady appreciates a quality catcall. It makes her day. Don’t embarrass yourself, or the recipient, by doing it the wrong way. You only get one chance.

Don Felix’s Winning Catcall Formula

1. Distance Matters.

Make sure you’re at the correct distance. A catcall isn’t a catcall if you’re up close. I’m not a lawyer, but my court-appointed one tells me it “borders on harassment,” whatever that means. The law aside, you have to be across the street, or up a couple of stories of construction scaffolding for a catcall to be effective. Of course, if you’re too far away that’s a problem too. You end up screaming and scaring the woman, or you don’t get heard at all. Stay in the “habitable zone.”

2. Pick a technique.

No matter what people tell you, there are really only three ways to catcall: whistling, “smooching,” and talking. All of those take practice. Not everyone can whistle loud enough, or quick enough, to get their point across. Same goes with the smooch sound. It’s got to be a clear kissing sound that’s loud enough to cut through the loudest street noise or—nowadays—a pair of turned-up iPod ear buds. Your spoken lines have to be concise and delivered at the right cadence.

3. Work on your lines.

Even if you pick one of the other techniques, you’re still going to need some quality lines here and there. Be original and stay within yourself. Start with an attention-getter. I use “sabrosura,” but I invented that, so come up with your own. Then follow it up with a hyperbolous statement specific to the girl. Wrap up the whole present with a nice call-to-action.

Formula

Attention-Getter + Hyperbole + Call-to-Action = Effective Catcall

Example

Sabrosura! + I could just grind you up and put you in my coffee + Come sit next to me = SOLID GOLD

4. Avoid cutesy sound effects, gestures, and other gimmicks.

You really should refrain from using other sounds and gestures apart from whistling and smooching. Stick with the classical, time-tested techniques. Others just make you come off as ridiculous. That includes howling, grabbing your nuts, and honking your horn. Drive-by catcalls are for cowards.

5. Be prepared to fight.

Sooner or later, you’re going to catcall a girl and not notice that her husband, brother, or not-yet-decrepit father is standing right there. That can spell trouble for you. Try to defuse the situation by explaining you didn’t mean any disrespect. But if that doesn’t de-escalate things, get ready to defend your god-given rights.