Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘Ethnic Advice’

Even though I wouldn’t set foot in one today, I’ve been to the Olive Garden more times than I care to admit. I guess that, back in the day, the combination of bottomless (frozen) breadsticks and “salad” (a lettuce soup drowning in an Italian-dressing broth) was irresistible to me. The crazy part is that after eating a bunch of the free shit, I would still order a thing called the “Tour of Italy,” which–I’ve since learned–was basically a heart attack on plate. It was pretty much a catering-sized serving platter of creamy, cheesy, and meaty. I still don’t know how I kept my BMI at a healthy 21 the entire time.

Before you go judging me for going to the punk-ass Olive Garden all the time, know that I was living in the suburbs, where the choices were between that or Chili’s—a place whose mere mention gives me instant diarrhea. So, really, I had no choice.

The other thing was that, not that long ago, the Olive Garden was actually a reasonably inexpensive place. I’m not talking Burger-King cheap, but you could get out of there having had dinner for like 10 bucks. And that, I thought, was its pitch. You could have a semi-packaged, semi-real Italian restaurant experience without paying the full price. A step above Sbarro, but a step below frou-frou, it was a poor man’s fancy. You could walk out with your head held high (unlike the Sizzler or the Ponderosa).

But, in recent years, the Olive Garden has been trying to creep into actually fancy restaurant territory. I started noticing this shit toward the end of my tenure there. Along with your freebies, the waiter started offering you wine. I repeat: wine. The same guy who, last week, was just keeping the Minute Maid Lemonade flowing, was now coming around with a white cloth on his forearm and a bottle of deliciously generic “Italian wine” leaning against his hands.

That’s around the time I stopped going there. But I kept up with the transformation in the commercials. It wasn’t long before they started advertising things like the “Olive Garden Culinary Institute” in Tuscany, where they trained their staff about “authentic” Italian flavors.

Predictably, the Olive Garden Upgrade came with an upgraded price tag. From a distance, I also followed the climb in prices: from the reasonable $10 I used to drop there, to $13.50, $17, and 21 American dollars. The Olive Garden was trying to go legit by force.

The thing is: nothing had changed. They were still serving the same tired-ass breadsticks, salad, and Tour of Italy. So they weren’t fooling anyone, especially people like me that knew better.

Or were they?

Fast forward to the other day when I’m reading that, as I suspected, these shenanigans were intentional. The CEO of the company, a Clarence Otis Jr. (who I would have been willing to be bet serious cash was a black dude, just on the name) is credited with having kept the restaurant successful.

At the height of the worst recession in decades, when many casual dining chains began offering deep discounts to lure tightfisted diners, Clarence Otis Jr. resisted.

The crazy part is that the Olive Garden is thriving. All they had to do was incorporate a little black-dude game into their business: tighten up your look, raise your price, and act the part. Low cost equals low value, so don’t be low cost.

Lesson learned and confirmed: As long as you sell your shit for cheap, people are going to think of you as cheap.

So, when Barack Obama started racking up a series of nearly-as-good accomplishments (e.g., publishing a book, becoming the first black president in our 233-year history) we took notice. Since he seemed to have everything under control, we stood quietly on the sidelines.

But, Barack, now that you’ve been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, it’s impossible to keep quiet. We can’t have you messing up a good thing. You may have gotten this far on your own, but you’re going to need a little Ethnic Advice to get you through the rest of the way (conquering the world).

1. Lose Your Temper from Time to Time.

Ethnic people (especially men) are volatile and unpredictable. It’s what makes us great lovers and leaders. I know you’ve gotten a lot of mileage from the calm-and-collected thing, but the time has come for a little ethnic temper. Your failure to put down the royal smackdown on Joe Wilson on primetime television was one thing, but to continue to put up with the repeated punking from the right-wing is getting a little embarrassing.

What you should have said: "I couldn't hear you. Come up here and say it to my face."

2. Brag and Exaggerate.

Every ethnic guy loves to brag, however small the accomplishment. Rudy is still talking about hitting those two free throws, in clutch time, back in high school. And, here you are with way-more-recent accomplishments. You need to bring that shit up every chance you get. Show up unexpectedly at these townhall meetings and say, “raise your hand if you’re a constitutional scholar.”

3. Stay True to Your Homies.

Don’t forget all of the good advice we gave you along the way (including this). But, especially don’t forget the coalition of grass-roots Progressives, labor unions, and young people that got you into that nice house. We’re still waiting for our national healthcare, end to corporate welfare, and cash for our clunkers (wait, we got that already, thanks).