Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘FOB’

The big thing in the news these days is an Arizona state bill, signed into law by appointed hag-governor Jan Brewer (see below), that basically requires regular-ass police officers to go around asking people for proof of citizenship if “it looks like they could be illegal.” I’m not making this up. What’s more, if police don’t do their (new) job, they can be sued by regular people for not enforcing the law.

Frankly, I don’t like chiming in on things this mainstream because pretty much anything that can be said about a topic like this gets said in the first few minutes, and I tend to be slow. So that means, invariably, I’m left unintentionally repeating the same shit some other guy said. This is the reason I didn’t say much about the whole Tiger Woods harem thing (except about his disappointingly cheap taste in sandwiches), the “balloon boy” story, and the healthcare reform “debate.”

Forget, for a minute, the coincidence that the illegal-immigrant debate seems to always come up in election years, especially ones in which Republicans are in the minority (i.e., out of power) and are hoping to make some gains by lathering up the masses about issues they don’t ever intend to solve—simply recycle the next time they need something to work people up with. Also forget the fact that you could solve the problem pronto by simply enforcing the laws that already exist, and throwing the CEO of any company that hires an illegal immigrant in jail for a few years.  (Like when you also throw the John in jail, not just the prostitute.)

I assure you, a lot of people would be leaving if no one would hire them. But of course that would hurt millionaires and billionaires and corporations, who benefit from cheap illegal labor that undercuts unions and their ridiculous demands for fair pay and benefits and the occasional vacation day. Remember: it was the conservative messiah, Ronald Reagan, that passed the largest amnesty for illegal immigrants in American history (1986), making millions of “illegals” legal overnight. He hated unions.

I could go on. But this isn’t about that.

This is about the question of what an illegal immigrant looks like, since that’s now become an important part of the dialogue on this issue. You can’t profile people by their race, because that would illegal. So these guys are handling that sticky question in a couple of interesting ways.

On the one hand are the right-wingers that claim to not know what an illegal looks like at all, deferring to the “professionals” in this arena.

Exhibit A

Then there are the ones that say they can tell, but with all sorts of other indicators apart from race. Definitely not race.

Exhibit B

Look guys, I know spotting an illegal immigrant (or at least a potentially illegal immigrant) without resorting to racial profiling isn’t easy for the untrained eye. But years of living in the great City of Los Angeles–the mecca for Guatemalan, Vietnamese, El-Salvadorian, Mexican, Ethiopian, and every other variety of immigrant you could dream up–has giving me a keen sense of what else to look for.

I know I may be hurting my ethnic brothers and sisters, but here’s a simple guide for you guys. Pay me back with what you do best–some tax breaks and exotic pyramid-scheme-like investment vehicles.

Right-Wingers’ Quick Guide to Spotting Illegal Immigrants

General FOB-ness

This is what the idiot in the second video above (Rep. Brian Bilbray) was dancing around, but couldn’t—or wouldn’t–articulate. Everyone knows when they’re dealing with someone that just “ain’t right.” It’s like when you spot an unseasonably pale (but straight) white guy, wearing a mesh tank-top and John Stockton coochie shorts, exposing his wickedly hairy legs (and, in some unfortunate cases, some of his junk) in the middle of Los Angeles. European, right? You bet.

Or like when you see a white girl in Teva­ sandals, shorts, a fleece vest, and a Nalgene bottle hanging from her outdoorsy backpack in the middle of your city. Unless you’re in a certain region or two of the country, you know she’s an unassimilated transplant.

John Stockton and his now-infamous shorts.

Similarly, people that haven’t properly integrated into the American Way of Life are going to telegraph that shit from a mile away. Mixing up our treasured clichés. Calling dollar bills notes. Singularizing plurals (Starbuck Coffee). Wearing a cowboy hat and mustache.

Every race and ethnicity has its unique set of FOB dead-giveaways. Learn them.

Broke-Asses

Seriously, when was the last time you saw a rich illegal immigrant (that wasn’t a king-pin in a movie)? I’m sure they exist, but they’re not the ones mowing your neighbor’s lawn or standing outside the Home Depot. Being poor is definitely a sign.

Brown

Let’s face it guys: you’re going to have to use some tangential indicator of race to pluck out the illegal immigrants you want to actually get rid of (the south-of-the-border variety). The great thing is that using color isn’t necessarily using race. Brown is generally a good start, but combine that with broke-ass and FOB, and you have yourself a good candidate.

A good candidate.

If you get the sudden feeling you’re watching the local news every time you talk to your friend, chances are: she’s a Television-Reporter Asian American Girl (TRAAG). Not all TRAAGs are reporters, but they certainly could be. You find them in all walks of life, though every newscast manages to recruit at least one.

A perfect specimen.

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Polished, Asian American look; zero trace of FOB-ness
• Conservative, expensive attire: turtle necks, slacks
• Immaculate English, so immaculate, in fact, that it constitutes an accent in itself
• Deep, sonorous female voice; toward the contralto side
• Not much of a sense of humor; face-value assessment of the world
• Anglo first name, ethnic last name (e.g., Tracy Tomonokawa)
• Sounds as if she’s “on location,” even in social situations
• Projects cultured, fancy airs; classically trained in some instrument(s)
• Incongruently pronounces some Asian words with perfect native accent, to feign ethnic pride
• Pretty much guaranteed she’s dating (or married to) a white guy

Not to be confused with his richer, whiter cousin—the Standard Corporate Ass-Wipe—the Latino variety is an equally abundant plague in U.S. cities—especially on the West Coast. You might well recognize him by his other name, the Alberto-Gonzales Latin Guy, named after one of the most “successful,” public specimens of the group.

Consummate Latino Corporate Ass-Wipe

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Otherwise regular-looking Hispanic guy, but with tell-tale signs of deep-seeded corporate asshole-ness
• Wears the office uniform, dress shirt and pleated pants, Monday through Friday
• Tucked-in polo shirt, or “golf clothes,” on the weekends
• Speaks clean English, but can’t completely rid himself of pesky Spanish influences, despite his best efforts (peak-za for Pizza, rolling the Ls in Million)
• Bilingual, but speaks poor, awkward Spanish from pretending not to speak it for years
• Deliberately engages in racially incongruent activities, like golf, to seem less ethnic
• Especially dicky to “regular” Latinos and FOBs as way of distinguishing himself from them

Additional Behaviors & Habitat

• Most likely in a corporate setting, since he only thrives in the hierarchical, structured setting of an office
• Practical, functional, status-minded education—a business degree, communications, maybe law school
• Works in safe, accessible fields (e.g., marketing, finance, administrative fields)
• More ambitious ones in minor elected office, local government
• Surprisingly conservative, impressive ability to spit out right-wing or centrist talking points
• Uses nauseating corporate speak, like “no-brainer” and “out-of-the-box” outside of the office