Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘Latinos’

Everybody knows that American jails are disproportionately packed with Latinos and blacks. But unlike my asshole Republican ex-boss, I think there are more sophisticated reasons, beyond “they commit most of the crimes,” behind this statistical phenomenon. One of those reasons is pretty obvious.

Our legal system is set up to detect and penalize certain types of crime over other types. There are no white-collar crime regulators driving around 24/7 in patrol cars with sirens–or setting up check points on the highway–to catch people in the act of insider trading or tax evasion or selling junk securities. Sure, agencies exist that are supposed to catch that stuff, but they aren’t on every street corner, and the mayor doesn’t go on TV every few months to talk about how he’s putting 2,000 more regulators on the force by next year. There’s no trained dog they can bring to your office to sniff out your illegal white-collar shenanigans.

So it’s automatically more likely that you’re going to get caught committing some sort of street crime. Then, when they do catch someone for that, the punishments for those types of crimes tend to be longer jail sentences than for the other things. You get a lot more time for stealing $20 from a liquor store than for counterfeiting $20 million Picasso paintings. That’s just a fact. And, minorities tend to commit the easier crimes because it takes a few generations of enfranchisement to get access to high-class, low-risk, lucrative, white-collar crimes we would all love to be committing.

That’s the first reason.

But, now the NY Times is saying something that I’ve been saying for years. Statistically speaking, Latinos and blacks also just act more suspiciously–at least in New York.

Blacks and Latinos were nine times as likely as whites to be stopped by the police in New York City in 2009, but no more likely to actually be arrested. Of the reasons listed by the police for conducting the stops…the most common reason listed by the police was a category known as “furtive movements.”

Furtive movements. In case you don’t know idiotic police-speak, that’s a five-dollar euphemism for acting sneaky and suspicious. And, that’s kind of annoying, because that’s a natural condition of living in the city in general, but especially of living in the ghetto. There’s a certain amount of constant, mutual suspicion in the hood–nobody really trusts anyone (and shouldn’t). So, naturally, people there (namely, blacks and Latinos) are going to act sneaky and suspicious most of the time, even when they’re not “up to something.” You can’t help it.

A black or Latino dude strutting across the street in a hoodie and shades (at night)–while looking over his shoulder–is probably just as likely to be scared of something than to be doing something scary. But, of course, to a blue-collar street-crime police force, set up to look for only that type of sneakiness, behavior like that is worthy of a pat-down.

Maybe it should be that way. But, what if we also had a white-collar police walking the streets, like I’m asking for: who would look suspicious to them?

Officer, I didn't do anything wrong. What do you mean I was "acting suspicious"?! Get your hands off me. I know my rights!

Today’s post comes courtesy of Felix Mengano, our newest staff contributor. Until recently, Felix was just the old, ambiguously Latino guy with a heavy accent who serviced the printers around the office. Everything changed when I semi-accidentally overheard several of his cell phone conversations with his wife. The way he handled his personal business left little doubt that this guy boasts some of the most impressive old-school credentials, ethnic philosophies, and gender-relations wisdom around. When I invited him to contribute, he insisted that we call him Don Felix and that we let him do this topic first. He even refused to provide a more recent photograph of himself, claiming he “still looks exactly like this.”

Felix Mengano’s views aren’t necessarily those of Ethnic Avenue, its affiliates, sponsors, or detractors.

Catcalling with Class

By: Felix Omar Mengano Jimenez, Sr. – Unpaid Latino Contributor

One of the problems with these kids nowadays is that they don’t know how to treat a lady like I was taught to treat a lady—the correct way.

When it comes to letting a woman know they appreciate how she’s carrying herself that day, or acknowledge that she succeeded in getting their attention with her outfit, they start in with the pussy this or culo that. That demeans everyone. And it’s disgusting.

I’m going to tell you all what my father told me, and what I tell my seven sons and eleven daughters: a lady appreciates a quality catcall. It makes her day. Don’t embarrass yourself, or the recipient, by doing it the wrong way. You only get one chance.

Don Felix’s Winning Catcall Formula

1. Distance Matters.

Make sure you’re at the correct distance. A catcall isn’t a catcall if you’re up close. I’m not a lawyer, but my court-appointed one tells me it “borders on harassment,” whatever that means. The law aside, you have to be across the street, or up a couple of stories of construction scaffolding for a catcall to be effective. Of course, if you’re too far away that’s a problem too. You end up screaming and scaring the woman, or you don’t get heard at all. Stay in the “habitable zone.”

2. Pick a technique.

No matter what people tell you, there are really only three ways to catcall: whistling, “smooching,” and talking. All of those take practice. Not everyone can whistle loud enough, or quick enough, to get their point across. Same goes with the smooch sound. It’s got to be a clear kissing sound that’s loud enough to cut through the loudest street noise or—nowadays—a pair of turned-up iPod ear buds. Your spoken lines have to be concise and delivered at the right cadence.

3. Work on your lines.

Even if you pick one of the other techniques, you’re still going to need some quality lines here and there. Be original and stay within yourself. Start with an attention-getter. I use “sabrosura,” but I invented that, so come up with your own. Then follow it up with a hyperbolous statement specific to the girl. Wrap up the whole present with a nice call-to-action.

Formula

Attention-Getter + Hyperbole + Call-to-Action = Effective Catcall

Example

Sabrosura! + I could just grind you up and put you in my coffee + Come sit next to me = SOLID GOLD

4. Avoid cutesy sound effects, gestures, and other gimmicks.

You really should refrain from using other sounds and gestures apart from whistling and smooching. Stick with the classical, time-tested techniques. Others just make you come off as ridiculous. That includes howling, grabbing your nuts, and honking your horn. Drive-by catcalls are for cowards.

5. Be prepared to fight.

Sooner or later, you’re going to catcall a girl and not notice that her husband, brother, or not-yet-decrepit father is standing right there. That can spell trouble for you. Try to defuse the situation by explaining you didn’t mean any disrespect. But if that doesn’t de-escalate things, get ready to defend your god-given rights.

Sooner or later, everyone encounters one of those fat guys that thinks his girth automatically makes him tough or, worse, that his fatness is roughly equivalent to being muscular.

Sadly, there’s wide pandemic of this type of wannabe-tough-guy asshole in the urban Latino and black communities, a problem I attribute largely to the popularity of football, which rewards a few linebackers–with little more ability than that of clogging up space–with the largely undeserved labels of “tough” and “athletic.”

I usually ride back here.

It’s pretty easy to know when you’re dealing with one of these idiots. For one, they’re enormous. They waddle around, often in some sort of sports gear, trying hard to look hard. And, they’re one of the more likely candidates to diagnose your staring problem. If he’s assumed any position of authority–however minor–rest assured that he fully, and regularly, trips on his power. Think bouncers, the occasional bus driver, and–of course–tow-truck operators.

There’s a TV show that relies almost entirely on these characters for its poorly staged theatrics—TruTV’s Operation Repo. The show, which features a group of (mostly Latino) male and female “tough guys” doing sham repossessions, is an unsettling reminder of why the United States and Mexico are numbers one and two—respectively—on the list of the world’s fattest countries.

It used to be that we consistently portrayed the fat guy as inferior to the fit guy.(And, often, as the bad guy.) The Blutos of the world routinely got their asses kicked by the slimmer, buffer Popeyes.

But nowadays, we celebrate the Blutos.

A lot of bad-ass shit that starts on the mean streets of the ethnic world, dies a slow death in the suburban cul-de-sacs of the mainstream. By the time young-ish white girls start doing it, you know the fangs on the tiger have been filed down to rounded nubs. Then, one day, you hear it coming out of a middle-aged lady’s mouth on an idiotic sitcom and you know it’s all over.

I’ve seen this process repeated with Swiss-clockwork precision on tons of urban, ethnic (often black) language and practices including: Snoop Dogg lingo (fo’ shizzle),” talk to the hand,” “no they didn’t,” the raise the roof palms-up gesture, the cabbage patch dance, corn rows, etc.

A recent casualty to this trend has been the distended-lip, kissy face pioneered by Latino men all over the world to discretely point to things without using their hands or, similarly, by black men to express intrigue or curiosity.

Cuba Gooding demonstrates his intrigue and curiosity.

But a deadly cocktail of digital cameras, picture texts, and social networking has rendered the once-useful gesture into the over-abused, default pose for lame self portraits (accompanied by the raised, extended arm toward the camera) or a generic, catch-all “cutesy” face for party-atmosphere group shots.

Aw, djeah, boy-ee. Don't be frontin'. Keep it real, like me.

So, it’s with great regret that I bid goodbye to the mighty kissy face. For decades, you served us well, my old friend.

Not to be confused with his richer, whiter cousin—the Standard Corporate Ass-Wipe—the Latino variety is an equally abundant plague in U.S. cities—especially on the West Coast. You might well recognize him by his other name, the Alberto-Gonzales Latin Guy, named after one of the most “successful,” public specimens of the group.

Consummate Latino Corporate Ass-Wipe

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Otherwise regular-looking Hispanic guy, but with tell-tale signs of deep-seeded corporate asshole-ness
• Wears the office uniform, dress shirt and pleated pants, Monday through Friday
• Tucked-in polo shirt, or “golf clothes,” on the weekends
• Speaks clean English, but can’t completely rid himself of pesky Spanish influences, despite his best efforts (peak-za for Pizza, rolling the Ls in Million)
• Bilingual, but speaks poor, awkward Spanish from pretending not to speak it for years
• Deliberately engages in racially incongruent activities, like golf, to seem less ethnic
• Especially dicky to “regular” Latinos and FOBs as way of distinguishing himself from them

Additional Behaviors & Habitat

• Most likely in a corporate setting, since he only thrives in the hierarchical, structured setting of an office
• Practical, functional, status-minded education—a business degree, communications, maybe law school
• Works in safe, accessible fields (e.g., marketing, finance, administrative fields)
• More ambitious ones in minor elected office, local government
• Surprisingly conservative, impressive ability to spit out right-wing or centrist talking points
• Uses nauseating corporate speak, like “no-brainer” and “out-of-the-box” outside of the office

From: Your Ethnic Friend
To: All White Guys with Faux Hawks
Subject: RE: Your New Haircut

Hey bro,

I hope you know this isn’t an easy e-mail to write. But as your token ethnic friend, I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you this: it’s time to get rid of the faux hawk.

I’ll admit that when they first came out, faux hawks were actually pretty cool. In fact, I thought the concept was nothing short of brilliant. Some genius somehow devised a way to resurrect a kick-ass hairdo from the 80s and adapt it into a tamer, office-friendly version–one that wouldn’t embarrass your girlfriend in front of her parents. It was still edgy, but now it was versatile. You could go straight from work to the hipster bar and not look ridiculous in either place. And, it was easy; all you needed was a quarter-sized portion of hair product and a mirror (and maybe a hair dryer, I’m not sure).

I don’t know the exact history of the do, but I’m pretty sure White guys started it. At least that was my observation. In fact, my buddy Matt—you know, the guy that does the cabbage patch to celebrate everything—was one of first to have one. But regardless of whether or not you guys did it first (and I can be 100-percent comfortable in my manliness when I say this), White guys did it best. That’s not surprising, since I imagine lighter-colored, fine hair is easier to manage and ply into those wild configurations than coarse, ethnic hair like mine.

Then everything changed. Not only did every White guy go out and get a faux hawk, but everyone else did too—in massive numbers. From there, things quickly got out of hand. Nowadays, the faux hawk is the default haircut of choice for douchebags, movie stars, and generic dumb-asses everywhere—regardless of race, age, or the overwhelming abundance of the haircut.

The mighty faux hawk’s been cheapened, my friend. And, worse, it’s not your own, cool-White-guy thing anymore.

So now, if you still have one, you look like an idiot. I know there aren’t that many choices for short and easy (but still manly) haircuts that don’t make you look stupid or dangerous, but there must be something more. I mean, what did you do before?

Look man, I wouldn’t be telling you this if I didn’t care: enough already with the faux hawk.

Sincerely,

Your Ethnic Friend