Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘Racially Incongruent’

Very few urban (and suburban) characters are more obvious than the White Chocolate. Even though there are several major varieties and intensities—determined mostly by geography—you rarely mistake a White Chocolate for anything else.

As the consummate example of racial incongruence, things started off pretty rough for the White Chocolate Guy when he first emerged in the late 1980s. Early trailblazers, like rapper Vanilla Ice, were the subject of endless ridicule and scorn in those primitive dark ages. These days, White Chocolates live out in the open with the confidence—often a little too much—that they enjoy the same legitimacy as their non-synthetic chocolate counterparts.

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Hip-hop attire, from subtle to way-over-the-top: big-ass t-shirt; baseball cap with un-creased bill and un-removed tags; loosened laces on sneakers; oversized, sagging pants; ostentatious jewelry
• Urban lexicon, with simulated accent (e.g., “I ain’t even trying to hear that.”)
• Ethnic strut and physical gestures (holding crotch when walking; overly emotive hands when explaining things; talking more out of one side of his mouth than the other; driving with a sagging lean and a single, outstretched arm centered on the steering wheel)
• “Hard,” tough-guy look and posture
• Engages in racially legitimizing behaviors like: playing basketball, blasting hip-hop music, and “fixing up” his car
• Two-sided “bid-ness” card: shitty job during the day, side-hustle at night (Credit: Reader MAC)

Not to be confused with his richer, whiter cousin—the Standard Corporate Ass-Wipe—the Latino variety is an equally abundant plague in U.S. cities—especially on the West Coast. You might well recognize him by his other name, the Alberto-Gonzales Latin Guy, named after one of the most “successful,” public specimens of the group.

Consummate Latino Corporate Ass-Wipe

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Otherwise regular-looking Hispanic guy, but with tell-tale signs of deep-seeded corporate asshole-ness
• Wears the office uniform, dress shirt and pleated pants, Monday through Friday
• Tucked-in polo shirt, or “golf clothes,” on the weekends
• Speaks clean English, but can’t completely rid himself of pesky Spanish influences, despite his best efforts (peak-za for Pizza, rolling the Ls in Million)
• Bilingual, but speaks poor, awkward Spanish from pretending not to speak it for years
• Deliberately engages in racially incongruent activities, like golf, to seem less ethnic
• Especially dicky to “regular” Latinos and FOBs as way of distinguishing himself from them

Additional Behaviors & Habitat

• Most likely in a corporate setting, since he only thrives in the hierarchical, structured setting of an office
• Practical, functional, status-minded education—a business degree, communications, maybe law school
• Works in safe, accessible fields (e.g., marketing, finance, administrative fields)
• More ambitious ones in minor elected office, local government
• Surprisingly conservative, impressive ability to spit out right-wing or centrist talking points
• Uses nauseating corporate speak, like “no-brainer” and “out-of-the-box” outside of the office

Say it ain't Sosa.

Let’s face it: most people aren’t that observant anymore. They don’t see nuance. And, they’re too self-absorbed or distracted by gimmicks to notice anything about you that doesn’t directly affect them (by threatening or benefitting them). That’s why people never notice when you get a haircut or wear a new shirt. It’s the same reason television stations can feed you ever-degenerating garbage and still keep robust audiences. But no matter what you look like, one thing is for sure: people are going to notice if you bleach your skin. And, as soon as they notice, they’re going to compare you to Michael Jackson. If you started wearing a red jacket with zippers all over it and a rhinestone glove on one hand, you’d get the same result.

Something we can all learn from the White Chocolates among us is that the best way to change your race is to do it from the inside out, not the other way around. White Chocolates “darkened their skin” by wearing wind pants with one of the pant-legs raised up, break-dancing, playing basketball, and performing a variety of other racially incongruent behaviors. In the best cases, it worked like a charm.

Eminem, Crown Prince of the White Chocolates.

So Sammy, next time you want to “lighten your skin,” listen to some Save Farris, start snowboarding, and un-learn how to dance. It takes longer like this, but it’s the honorable way.