Ethnic Avenue – The Street That Crosses All the Others

Posts Tagged ‘White Guys’

Very few urban (and suburban) characters are more obvious than the White Chocolate. Even though there are several major varieties and intensities—determined mostly by geography—you rarely mistake a White Chocolate for anything else.

As the consummate example of racial incongruence, things started off pretty rough for the White Chocolate Guy when he first emerged in the late 1980s. Early trailblazers, like rapper Vanilla Ice, were the subject of endless ridicule and scorn in those primitive dark ages. These days, White Chocolates live out in the open with the confidence—often a little too much—that they enjoy the same legitimacy as their non-synthetic chocolate counterparts.

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Hip-hop attire, from subtle to way-over-the-top: big-ass t-shirt; baseball cap with un-creased bill and un-removed tags; loosened laces on sneakers; oversized, sagging pants; ostentatious jewelry
• Urban lexicon, with simulated accent (e.g., “I ain’t even trying to hear that.”)
• Ethnic strut and physical gestures (holding crotch when walking; overly emotive hands when explaining things; talking more out of one side of his mouth than the other; driving with a sagging lean and a single, outstretched arm centered on the steering wheel)
• “Hard,” tough-guy look and posture
• Engages in racially legitimizing behaviors like: playing basketball, blasting hip-hop music, and “fixing up” his car
• Two-sided “bid-ness” card: shitty job during the day, side-hustle at night (Credit: Reader MAC)

There’s an old Saturday Night Live sketch where David Spade reviews then-current movies. He’d start many of his reviews, in his typical dead-pan tone, with something like:

x the Movie. I liked this movie. . .when it was called y the Movie.¹

¹Where x represents a newer movie, and y represents an older, usually better, movie.

That’s a little how I felt about Avatar, the long-awaited fantasy blockbuster from James Cameron and them. I liked it: when it was called Pocahontas, the Lion King, and Warcraft the game. But, of course, there’s more to the movie than its uncanny resemblance to a live-action FernGully—including some deliciously obvious racial overtones.

We've been needing a White Guy around here.

Since the reviews are pretty much in by now, we know how it’s played on Main Street. But how did it play on Ethnic Avenue? I’ll break it down for you.

Visually, But Not Aurally, Striking

I’ll get this one out of the way, since that’s what everyone is focusing on anyway.

I can’t deny the obvious. There were tons of bells and whistles to this movie. Realistic Smurf-Thundercat hybrid creatures; unusually aggressive, and realistic, alien wildlife; colorful, iridescent foliage; the list goes on.

I saw it in 3-D because that was supposed to “enhance” the experience (though the most you actually get is a blurred 2.5-D, from the thin, even layer of someone else’s face grease spread out over the 3-D goggle lenses).

I became suspicious when I learned that it was available in 3-D, since a good movie ought to be good even you’re watching it on one of those VCR-sized black-and-white combination radio-televisions from the 70s. In other words, it’s a good thing it had the strong visuals, because compelling dialog and an original story were obviously not the focus. After all, good conversation doesn’t put asses in the seats. What does, apparently, is having the option of listening to your iPod the whole time and still getting 90 percent of the story.

So don’t be surprised when we go back to the silent-movie era, with a movie with no dialogue running up front and an old guy playing piano in the back. Except, this second-time around, it’ll be a special effects bonanza on the screen, with a hipster DJ “spinning” records on his MAC laptop.

You heard it here first.

Environmentally Sound (Recycled) Storyline

A strange thing about watching this movie was the nagging suspicion–reoccurring every few scenes–that you’d heard or seen this story before. Then, about half way through the movie, you realize Avatar is a cleverly woven quilt-work of older stories. It’s not a bad idea, actually. Instead of another single remake, why not remake several movies at once? That’s surely better. Some examples:

Pocahontas – Native princess meets the white interloper; takes him to the village to meet her father, the chief (Powhatan); the natives generously spare his life , and he adopts their way.

Warcraft II the Game – Elven archers, flying dragon-like creatures; this was every awkward gaming nerd’s dream come true.

The Lion King – Collective African-like chanting rituals at the “tree of life.”

White People Save Dumb-Ass Natives (Again)

I can speak from experience that I would be totally lost if it weren’t for the periodic, intrepid White guy coming into my life and saving me from my own noble, but foolhardy, ways.

Helping Dumb Natives, Since Colonial Times

Let’s face it: ethnic people throughout history have needed help from White people with modernizing their lives and learning how to enjoy the finer things.

The problem is that they brag about it in movies way too often. They could have stopped at Dance with Wolves and I’d still remember how much we owe them.

Avatar has an acute case of white-people-save-the-day-itis. Here’s an abbreviated list of the accomplishments a single character introduced as being kind of dumb (and handicapped), but White, was able to accomplish during the course of the story.

• Convincing the chiefs to spare his life
• Learning the language lickety-split
• Learning the ways of The People within three months
• Stealing the main warrior’s bride-to-be and then punking him in front of everyone
  
• Taming the untamable gigantic dragon creature–something only five other people in history have managed–in one fell swoop
  
• Communicating directly with the deity
• Convincing the deity to “take sides,” something it never does
• Saving the entire planet Pandora

Thanks again, White people.

Another interesting aspect to this story was the intentionally ambiguous ethnicity of the Na’vi (the natives). Like the patchwork storyline, the ethnicity of the natives was a skillful blend of Native American Indians, Africans tribes people, and blue Thundercats.

Names (Obviously) Culled from a Quick Internet Search

One of the challenges to suspending my disbelief throughout the movie was the eerily familiar (and somewhat lame) naming of things.

At times, it seemed like after the seven years of working on all of the visuals, the creative team got tired when it came to naming everything. Pandora, Avatar? It sounded more like my browsing history than a fantastical new world.

If you get the sudden feeling you’re watching the local news every time you talk to your friend, chances are: she’s a Television-Reporter Asian American Girl (TRAAG). Not all TRAAGs are reporters, but they certainly could be. You find them in all walks of life, though every newscast manages to recruit at least one.

A perfect specimen.

Appearance & Dead Giveaways

• Polished, Asian American look; zero trace of FOB-ness
• Conservative, expensive attire: turtle necks, slacks
• Immaculate English, so immaculate, in fact, that it constitutes an accent in itself
• Deep, sonorous female voice; toward the contralto side
• Not much of a sense of humor; face-value assessment of the world
• Anglo first name, ethnic last name (e.g., Tracy Tomonokawa)
• Sounds as if she’s “on location,” even in social situations
• Projects cultured, fancy airs; classically trained in some instrument(s)
• Incongruently pronounces some Asian words with perfect native accent, to feign ethnic pride
• Pretty much guaranteed she’s dating (or married to) a white guy

Say it ain't Sosa.

Let’s face it: most people aren’t that observant anymore. They don’t see nuance. And, they’re too self-absorbed or distracted by gimmicks to notice anything about you that doesn’t directly affect them (by threatening or benefitting them). That’s why people never notice when you get a haircut or wear a new shirt. It’s the same reason television stations can feed you ever-degenerating garbage and still keep robust audiences. But no matter what you look like, one thing is for sure: people are going to notice if you bleach your skin. And, as soon as they notice, they’re going to compare you to Michael Jackson. If you started wearing a red jacket with zippers all over it and a rhinestone glove on one hand, you’d get the same result.

Something we can all learn from the White Chocolates among us is that the best way to change your race is to do it from the inside out, not the other way around. White Chocolates “darkened their skin” by wearing wind pants with one of the pant-legs raised up, break-dancing, playing basketball, and performing a variety of other racially incongruent behaviors. In the best cases, it worked like a charm.

Eminem, Crown Prince of the White Chocolates.

So Sammy, next time you want to “lighten your skin,” listen to some Save Farris, start snowboarding, and un-learn how to dance. It takes longer like this, but it’s the honorable way.

From: Your Ethnic Friend
To: All White Guys with Faux Hawks
Subject: RE: Your New Haircut

Hey bro,

I hope you know this isn’t an easy e-mail to write. But as your token ethnic friend, I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you this: it’s time to get rid of the faux hawk.

I’ll admit that when they first came out, faux hawks were actually pretty cool. In fact, I thought the concept was nothing short of brilliant. Some genius somehow devised a way to resurrect a kick-ass hairdo from the 80s and adapt it into a tamer, office-friendly version–one that wouldn’t embarrass your girlfriend in front of her parents. It was still edgy, but now it was versatile. You could go straight from work to the hipster bar and not look ridiculous in either place. And, it was easy; all you needed was a quarter-sized portion of hair product and a mirror (and maybe a hair dryer, I’m not sure).

I don’t know the exact history of the do, but I’m pretty sure White guys started it. At least that was my observation. In fact, my buddy Matt—you know, the guy that does the cabbage patch to celebrate everything—was one of first to have one. But regardless of whether or not you guys did it first (and I can be 100-percent comfortable in my manliness when I say this), White guys did it best. That’s not surprising, since I imagine lighter-colored, fine hair is easier to manage and ply into those wild configurations than coarse, ethnic hair like mine.

Then everything changed. Not only did every White guy go out and get a faux hawk, but everyone else did too—in massive numbers. From there, things quickly got out of hand. Nowadays, the faux hawk is the default haircut of choice for douchebags, movie stars, and generic dumb-asses everywhere—regardless of race, age, or the overwhelming abundance of the haircut.

The mighty faux hawk’s been cheapened, my friend. And, worse, it’s not your own, cool-White-guy thing anymore.

So now, if you still have one, you look like an idiot. I know there aren’t that many choices for short and easy (but still manly) haircuts that don’t make you look stupid or dangerous, but there must be something more. I mean, what did you do before?

Look man, I wouldn’t be telling you this if I didn’t care: enough already with the faux hawk.

Sincerely,

Your Ethnic Friend